To Be Frank, Grief Lives in the Quiet Moments

In this heartfelt conversation, Frank Beecham explores the multifaceted nature of grief, emphasizing that it extends beyond the loss of loved ones to include the grief experienced in relationships, dreams, and personal identity. He discusses the importance of acknowledging grief in its various forms, the significance of silence in the grieving process, and the strength found in embracing one's emotions. Through personal anecdotes and reflections, Frank encourages listeners to navigate their grief with compassion and understanding, reminding them that love endures even in the face of loss.

takeaways

• Grief is not limited to death; it encompasses all forms of loss.
• The quiet moments often bring forth unexpected grief.
• Grief is the price we pay for love and connection.
• Strength in grief is about feeling and acknowledging emotions.
• Silence can be a space for self-discovery and reflection.
• Love never truly leaves us; it transforms and remains.
• Talking through grief can be a powerful healing tool.
• Honoring memories can help in the grieving process.
• Grief is a chapter in our story, not the end.
• You are not alone in your grief; it is a shared human experience.

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YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCsbNZuK-gEWRAaPMC6gwYcw

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

They don't tell you this about grief. They don't tell you that grief is not just about funerals. Grief shows up in breakups as well. It shows up when a friendship you thought would last forever suddenly ends. It shows up when life shifts, when the dream that you had doesn't work out, and when the version of yourself that you used to be no longer exists. Like when you look in the mirror and you wonder, like, who am I? It sneaks into the quiet moments when you're driving, when you're watching a movie, when you're cooking, when you're... where you just are. And when you pick up the phone to call someone who you know will never answer again. Or... You pick up the phone to text someone who used to text you back, but wouldn't do that anymore. Grief is not just about death. It's about change. And it's about how the universe, or in my case, how God whispers in the silence. Welcome back to To Be Frank. This is where we keep it real, where we tell the truth, even, even, and especially when it hurts. And where we believe that healing isn't just possible, it's promised. This month, we've been in a season of grief and a season on grief. Last week, I sat down with the author, an amazing person, which I know most of you loved and liked. I say most of you because I'm still waiting for some to come back and give me your feedback. But her name was Deandra Ford Wing for our first ever video episode. And we talked about her book, Redbird, and how hope sometimes shows up with wings and feathers. So if you've not gotten that book, please go get it. Make a read. And let me know what you think about it. Let me know how that book has helped you. But today, I want to talk about the grief that lives in the quiet moments. I want to talk about... That grief that shows up when you least expect it, whether that's after losing a loved one, losing a relationship, losing a friend or even losing yourself. Recently, I listened to this amazing podcast that you'd hear me talk about because it's literally like number one on my list right now. It's the Say More podcast with Miss JJ. And again, I'll say this. This is no way or shape or form a promotion. It's just I like to present things that have helped me, that have impacted me, with hopes that they will do the same thing for you. Because that's what To Be Frank is all about. We are literally being frank. And To Be Frank, that podcast... It's causing me to want to say more. I know, I know. Too much on the puns and dad jokes and all. But yeah, this podcast with Miss JJ, they spoke about the heartbreaks in friendships. And that really gave me a lot of depth and a lot of introspection to understand that grief is not only about, you know, someone that you love, that you you've lost it's also about so many other layers see we often think that grief belongs only to death like death is the author the owner the you know the king of grief but grief wears many faces saying that reminds me of an episode of game of thrones where you know And if you're a big GLT fan, there was a scene or this episode where, I've forgotten what her name is, but one of the Stark girls said she was with he who has many faces. That was basically grief, or that is what grief is. It's the silence after a breakup when you realize the number that you have on the phone is still saved, but you can't call it anymore. It's walking past the cafe or the restaurant that you used to visit with your friend who's now a stranger. It's looking at old photos on vacation every year, that yearly vacation that you take, and recognizing that that yearly vacation is not going to look the same anymore. You are looking at it and realizing that over the years, you don't even recognize a version of who you are anymore. Grief is basically the price we pay for love, for connection, for dreams. I remember losing my dad, and I will give this podcast, to be frank, big props. Because if you know me very well, you will say that, no, Frank doesn't really speak much. But if you don't, you would say Frank is the most robust, if that's the right word, but you would say I'm an extroverted person. But I barely really speak on my private life or anything. Barely really speak on the things that really matter to me because I cherish them so much and I'm afraid that they will lose their meaning the more they're spoken about. But my dad, my uncles, my auntie, basically everyone I've lost. Myself, especially myself that I lost. Reminds me of why I do this. So back to the story. I remember when I lost my dad. Silence filled my world, actually. I remember I was told that news in January. And I can tell you that that is when everything changed for me. Because my first birthday, right after that, the following month, I spent my birthday in the cemetery wearing black. I spent my birthday with my dad. And because I couldn't really wrap my head around the fact that I have lost a man. And I can be very honest and say that that sense of denial led me to start to shut down. Because you don't want to get close to someone this much and then you lose them. It's like you're losing a part of yourself. It's like you finally put in work and you've lost it. So I didn't want to let go. But years later, years later after that, I also remember grieving relationship that I thought was forever. And some of them say you were kids at the time, but hey, that was like the highlight of my day. If you can relate those listening to me, you know, you're dating that one girl and you're just like, or you're dating that one guy and you're like, this is the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. You come up with cute nicknames and You even start social media together. You have those couple pages. Before there were TikTok couples, there was literally a couple pages for Facebook. Believe it or not. You say this is the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with. And, I mean, it wasn't just me. There were other people that I know who ended the relationships and stuff. And the silence after that was almost as heavy as when I lost my dad. Because different griefs come with similar heartaches. Because it's the effort that you put in that you lost. It's... Yes, you've lost the person. And yes, you want the person. But I believe that we also grieve because we had invested ourselves. So it's like, again, and today I'm full of movie references. It's like in Harry Potter where I forgot what they called it. But he who must not be named, Lord Voldemort. And I proceed to name him. Crazy. Anyways. Lord Voldemort kept parts of his soul and so many other things like the diary, the sword. Is it a sword? The snake. I'm not saying that we are Lord Voldemort, just to clarify. But the investment we make with other people, we put parts of ourselves in them. So to lose them, is to lose part of us if it was genuine. D'Andra said something very powerful when we spoke. And she said it was when her husband asked her, what do you need? She realized she needed to scream. Sometimes that's what the silence calls for. It does not call for words. It does not call for answers. It does not call for explanations. You can say, God, why did I lose this person? God, why did this happen to me? God, why did this happen to me? But sometimes silence does not call for any of those things. It doesn't call for logic. Sometimes it doesn't even call for understanding of emotions. It just calls for a release. In Ghana, in my culture, people don't always know what to say. So they say, and I say this, they say stuff like, and I call it nonsense, but they say stuff like, be strong. How am I going to be strong? I just lost someone I care about. I don't want to be strong. I don't. But they say stuff like, you know, and I'll be fair. It comes from a great place. It comes from a good place. It comes from a place of love. But they just don't know what to say. People don't know what to say in situations like this. So they say stuff like I said, be strong. They say don't cry, especially if you're a man. And, oh, my God, I feel so terrible for even mothers. They tell you don't cry. Your children are here. They tell you all sorts of things, like move on, like it's easy. But strength is not pretending that you don't feel. And that's something that I've had to learn and relearn and relearn. To be frank, it's not easy to remember that. Strength is... not the same as not feeling. Sometimes it takes a very brave and confident person and takes all the strength in you to feel because it's easy to hide from your demons. It's hard to face them. Strength is saying, I loved, I lost, and I'm still here. A different version of Veni, is it Veni? Veni Vidi Vici, I came, I saw, I conquered. But this time, you loved, you lost, and you're still here. Whether you're grieving someone who died, or you're grieving someone who left, or someone you left, or someone who's changed, or you're grieving yourself, silence is not your enemy. It's a place where your soul, your spirit talks to you and says, for me it's a place where God tells me that my grace is sufficient for you and I say that and I keep talking about God because when I lost my dad I wouldn't say I lost God I never did God lost me because I hated him so much and I walked away but he never walked away from me And I just want you all to keep that in mind because sometimes when grief happens, it's easy to walk away. It's easy to say, it's easy to shut down. But what we fail to realize is that what we didn't lose hasn't walked away from us yet. But we are the ones who are walking away. We need to be conscious of that. Like, in Deandra's case, when she lost her mom, she could have, you know, shut down from her husband, not spoken to the man and whatnot. But he didn't say the exact words God said, but what he said showed that he was there, you know? And... It's the same way in your life. There is someone there. There is something there. You are still here. Don't walk away from yourself. Do you know why the quiet moments cuts deep? It's because love is louder than absence. If you never loved someone, you would never grieve. And So grief, whether it's the end of life, a friendship, a season, it's not weakness. It's evidence that you did love this thing. You did love this person. You did love yourself. Someone said this one time, that the silence of a man is the speech of God. And I found this. That the quiet is not punishment. It's an invitation to rediscover yourself. Rediscover who you are. Rediscover your purpose. Rediscover that whoever you've lost or whatever you've lost still lives on through you. When you sit in the silence, you remember the laughter. You remember the lessons. You remember the moments. And you realize that they've never left you, neither have they forsaken you. They're still with you in the memories, in the laughter, in the things that remind you of them that makes you break down and cry. Those are the same things that remind you that they are still with you. Those are the things that present themselves to you as your red bird. The friend may leave. The relationship may end. The person may pass away, but the love never walks away. You never walk away. So how do we survive the silence? Don't run away from it. Trust me. I am giving this advice, but I know and I don't want to sound hypocritical because sometimes I also run away from it. To be frank, I run away from it sometimes. But don't run from it. I'm advising you and myself at the same time. Don't numb it with distractions, with distractions like, you know, going to go get alcohol to drink just to numb the pain or flirting with the next girl next to you or, you know, engaging or flirting with, you know, the next guy or engaging in frivolous activities just so you don't have to deal with it. Sit with it. Second thing, talk through it. Deandra mentioned something. She said she was in her room when she felt like her mom was nowhere closer to her. She spoke to her. Talk to the person that you've lost, even if they cannot respond, like I did with my uncle, where I sent him a text message telling him of my achievements, like I did with my dad. I remember his birthday. I went to his graveside. And I actually had a friend teach me how to play the keyboard, the piano, my roommate at the time. He taught me. I learned the keyboard. I took his keyboard, went to the cemetery, played a song, Little Do You Know, to my dad by his graveside. Will he speak back? Will he respond? No. But I still talked myself through it. I still spoke to him. And I spoke to God. But most of all, talk to yourself if you have to. Look in the mirror. Record a voice note. Record a podcast. And just speak to yourself. And last but not least, honor it. Light a candle. Write a journal. Plant a tree. Revisit a memory. For me, it's in my art. I remember I started doing spoken word poetry. I write poetry because it allows me to revisit that memory. Let the silence carry weight and not shame. And if the grief you carry is from a friendship or a relationship ending, allow yourself to say goodbye, even if you never got the closure you needed. That goodbye is not weakness. I have realized and I'm realizing that it's strength because silence is not empty. Silence is literally full of echoes. And if you listen, if you listen close enough, that echo will remind you that love, true love, pure love, it never dies. It just changes form. So to anyone listening to me, Whether you're grieving a loved one, whether you're grieving a lost love, a broken friendship, or even the loss of who you used to be, I want you to hear me clearly. You are not crazy. You are not weak. You are not insecure. You do not have low self-esteem. And you are not alone. Grief is not the end of your story. It's a chapter. And in that chapter, you are still writing it. God is still writing it. The quiet moments are heavy. But they are also yours. Because it is there that love proves itself eternal. Love proves itself eternal because it never died and it will never die because that's how you were feeling and that came from a place of love. So if tonight the silence feels unbearable in your room, I want you to remember this. Silence is not the absence of love. Silence It's a reminder that love is everlasting. This is To Be Frank. And today, To Be Frank, I'm still healing. And so are you. Until next time, keep living, keep loving, keep believing. I love you.